【聯合報╱By AIDA ALAMI╱陳世欽譯】
Muslim , Gay and Out, Without Apologies
PARIS — He was born inside the public library of Rabat in Morocco where his dad worked as a janitor and where his family lived until he was 2. For most of his childhood, he hid his sexuality as best he could, but his effeminate demeanor brought mockery and abuse, even as it would later become a source of artistic inspiration.
About eight years ago, the author Abdellah Taïa, now 40, came out to the Moroccan public in his books and in the news media, appearing on the cover of a magazine under the headline “Homosexual Against All Odds.”
It was an act that made him one of the few to publicly declare his sexual orientation in Morocco, where homosexuality is a crime. The hardest part, he recalled, was facing his family. They probably always knew, he said, but never talked about it. “They cried and screamed,” said Mr. Taïa, who now lives in Paris. “I cried when they called me. But I won’t apologize. ”
In February, Mr. Taïa screened his film “Salvation Army” at the National Film Festival in Tangier, an adaptation of his book of the same title, and a promising directorial debut that gave the Arab world its first on-screen gay protagonist. The film has been shown at festivals in New York, Toronto and Venice and won the Grand Prix at the Angers Film Festival in France .
“Salvation Army” is based on the author’s life growing up in Morocco, his sexual awakening, his fascination with a brother 20 years older, his encounters with older men in dark alleys and his complex relationship with his mother and six sisters who mocked him for being too girly or too attached to them.
“A lot of men in Morocco have sexual relations with men, but I looked feminine so I was the only homosexual,” he said. “In Morocco, sexual tension is everywhere and I wanted to show that in my film without having crude sex scenes; to stay true to these secretive behaviors.”
One night when he was 13 and with his family, drunken men outside called out to ask him down to entertain them . After that he decided to change his persona, to eliminate his effeminate mannerisms to stop men asking him for sexual favors.
He worked hard to learn French so he could move to Europe to escape the oppression . “I can’t live in Morocco,” Mr. Taïa said in an interview . “The entire neighborhood wanted to rape me. A lot of people in Morocco are abused by a cousin or a neighbor but society doesn’t protect them. There, rape is insignificant. ”
Mr. Taïa says he considers himself Muslim .
“I don’t want to dissociate myself from Islam,” he said. “It is part of my identity. ”
His books have stirred some negative reviews and reaction. His writing, in particular, has been criticized as undisciplined, as if it were dictated.
Others say that it is the rawness of the writing that makes his work authentic and touching.
Mr. Taïa says he always wanted to become a filmmaker. He became a writer by accident after writing all his thoughts and experiences down in a journal to learn French.
Today, he has patched up relations with most family members, though his older brother remains estranged. His mother died shortly after Mr. Taïa came out, and he now has a cordial relationship with his sisters.
Still, Mr. Taïa finds it very difficult to go home. “I can’t talk to them,” he said. “I am just a human being. They were ashamed of me. I always felt they were. I don’t want them to be proud of me. And anyway, they’re not.”
中譯
他在摩洛哥首都拉巴特的公共圖書館出生。他的父親當時擔任圖書館的門警，全家在那裡住到他兩歲為止。在童年的多數歲月，他盡量隱藏自己的性取向，然而雖然後來變成他的藝術靈感來源，他的女性化舉止還是使他受到凌辱。大約八年前，現年40歲的作家泰亞透過他的著作與新聞媒體向社會大眾出櫃。他成為一本雜誌的封面人物，標題是「勇往直前的同性戀者」。
在摩洛哥，同性戀屬刑事罪。這使他成為在摩洛哥如此公開個人性取向的少數人之一。他說，最困難的環節是面對自己的家人。他說，他們可能一直知道，卻從未談論這個話題。
現居巴黎的泰亞說：「他們曾經哭泣、尖叫。他們打電話給我時我會哭泣。可是我不會道歉。」
今年二月，泰亞的電影「救世軍」在丹吉爾舉行的國家電影節中放映。該片根據他的同名著作改編，不但初執導演筒即表現不俗，也使阿拉伯世界出現大螢幕上首見的同性戀主角。全片已先後在紐約、多倫多、威尼斯的影展中放映，同時拿下法國昂熱電影節的大獎。
「救世軍」以作者在摩洛哥成長的經歷、性取向覺醒、對長他20歲哥哥的迷戀、在暗巷與較年長男子的相遇，以及他與取笑他過於女性化或太黏她們的母親、姊姊之間的複雜關係為底本。他說：「在摩洛哥，許多男人與其他男人發生性關係。我看起來比較女性化，因此是唯一的同性戀者。在摩洛哥，性緊張隨處可見。我想在我的電影中展示這一點，而且沒有粗俗的性場景。我還想讓這些隱密的行為忠實呈現。」
在他13歲時某一個與家人共處的夜裡，幾名在他家門外的醉漢叫他下樓娛樂他們。他此後決定改變自己的角色，收起他的女性化舉止，以阻止其他男人對他在性方面的需索。
他努力學法文，以便搬到歐洲，遠離迫害。泰亞接受訪問時說：「我無法住在摩洛哥。整個社區的人都想強暴我。許多摩洛哥人都曾經被一名表兄弟或鄰居侵害，然而摩洛哥社會並不保護他們。在摩洛哥，強暴不當回事。」
泰亞說，他認為自己是個穆斯林。他說：「我不想讓自己與伊斯蘭脫離關係。它是我身分認同的一部分。」他的著作引起一些負面的評論及反應。尤其是寫作技巧部分，批評者認為缺少訓練，彷彿在口述下寫成。但也有人說，筆觸的生澀適足以使作品顯得真實感人。
泰亞說，他一直想當電影導演。他是在學習法文的日記中寫下自己的全部想法與經驗的偶然情況下，成了作家。今天，他已經與多數的家人重修舊好，不過哥哥還是跟他疏遠。泰亞的母親在他出櫃不久後去世，他現在和幾個姊姊關係很好。
儘管如此，泰亞還是發現，他很難返回摩洛哥。他說：「我無法跟他們交談。我只是一個普通人。他們以我為恥。我始終覺得他們以我為恥。我並不指望他們以我為榮。而事實上，他們也並不以我為榮。」 （陳世欽譯）
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